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Showing posts with label feeble attempts at humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feeble attempts at humor. Show all posts

November 22, 2019

Dear Sarah

To: Me

From: Sarah Baker @inforjnFQF@iye-o.mddksazhnvbzfftv.com

(yeah, that sure seems like a legit addy, huh?)


And a whole bunch of reply to: addresses.  If you've seen my other spam posts, you know I like to post them as so to have the spam web spiders trawl this site, pick them up and in turn, have the spammers get spammed.  If you want to see them, left click on your mouse and drag your cursor between * and *

* reply@successbox.app,reply@quickbox.icu,reply@marketbox.space,
reply@marketbox.site,reply@quickbox.space,mdonaldsmith@yandex.com,reply@marketbox.live,
reply@marketbox.icu,reply@quickbox.site,reply@marketbox.fun,reply@lifebox.icu,
/>reply@happytime.online,contact@workcontroll.com,
contact@jsutconsulting.com,
contact@octa-flex.com,enjoy@rrenjoy.live,
*

Subject: Hello all, new to this, so be nice with me :)

(and a bunch of emoticons, I HATE those in the subject lines!)

Hallo! My name is Sarah Baker and I am new here from Ukraine I only live here for 1 month. Its been much harder than I though to find work and I am having very difficult time to pay rent. When I was in Ukraine I work as club dancer. I have very fit body and love to dance Im trusting their are some decent man in this world that will like to pay me for some good times.

Click to contact me..... (note:  link removed - was just the same reply to: addys)

I am live right now and looking for some nice local men to send some naughty pics to!
-----

Then three attachments down at the bottom;  I "edited" them as so to at least make a pretense at maintaining a G-rated blog.





Dear Sarah,

For *some* reason I don't think that's your real name.  Maybe "Sasha Bakatoff" but not Sarah Baker.



Just moved here from the Ukraine, huh? I hope you did so legally, but that doesn't seem to matter these days, so....Maybe you got here by requesting political asylum, maybe the cheap drunk Ruskies weren't tipping you enough at the Kiev strip club?






Then again, I suspect it's hard to stuff enough rubles in your G-string to make it worthwhile, what with it taking 63 of 'em to equal an American buck. (at today's exchange rate)




If you love to dance, then I've always heard if you love what you do, you don't have to work a day in your life...just never thought anyone would actually love being a stripper.

Having problems making your rent?  Where do you live?  San Francisco?  New York City? You must not be a very good stripper.

I'm also having problems believing you are having trouble finding work...at least in that profession and esp. if any of those photos are accurate. Shoot, even the ratty strip clubs on Amarillo Blvd. would welcome a gal like you, I'm sure.  (not that I would know for sure, just guessin')

And speaking of those photos;  one doesn't have your face in it, but the other two are definitely of two different young ladies...not unless you got tatted up and your hair dyed black in between them.

And lastly, you're trusting there are some "decent men in this world that will like to pay me for some good times".  Honey, decent men don't pay women for "some good times"...not unless they're desperate and/or aren't scared of catching something penicillin won't cure....not even for 126 rubles.

Mike

P.S. Sorry, but you sent your pics to anything but a nice guy, at least not YOUR idea of nice.  You can keep sending them, though, I don't mind.



November 11, 2019

Thou Hath Spam

This was in my Spam folder earlier;  I wish these con artists would at least include a photo of scantily clad "themselves" as they used to do.

Gmail gives this warning:

This message seems dangerous

Similar messages were used to steal people's personal information. Avoid clicking links, downloading attachments, or replying with personal information.'

Thanks, Gmail.  I knew that, but I appreciate you reminding not just me, but any other doofus out there.

Here are the addresses and hopefully the web crawlers will pick them up and the spammers will get spammed.

pekmrf1975@dreamhostps.com

reply-to:    krasotkakla@in-mybox.com


Hello!

Thou'll probably be surprised by the message.

"Thou'll"??? I guess that would be a Biblical contraction? 

I just begin acquainted with the Internet. It seems I open the wicket that was not known.

And what a sticky wicket I suspect you have!  I'd say you also need to acquaint yourself with some better English.

For me, this new and it seems me that I already enough adult for this!

I see where this is headed. You're hopin' I'm a perv and that you are counting on me wanting to hook up with some total stranger on the 'net, am I right?  

I start to feel that I am not catching up with pace of the world that is around .I decided to keep up! And try use modern technologies for communications!

"Modern technologies for communications"?  What have you BEEN using, carrier pigeons?  Semaphores?  Smoke signals?  I'd say a phone is still considered a modern technology?  I think what you mean is using modern tech to con someone, am I right? Of course I am.

I will get to the point! I live in Russia! My city is called "Penza". What country do you live in?

I live in Nunya, Dambidnezz.

I 'm forty eight years old! I'm not here for joking.I 'm interested in personal acquaintance and begin of an serious relationship!I really hope thou'll answer me.

Well, 48 isn't too young for me, but I like a woman with a good sense of humor, so I'd hope you'd be in for some joking. I'm not into a serious relationship right now, so....There's that Biblical contraction again, not sure whether to be annoyed or amused.  

My emotional state does not allow me to start writing a lot at once.Cause I still feel little tight.

"Emotional state".  Hmmm....is that another code word for "mental illness"? Because trust me, I've dated a few crazy women and have had more than enough of THAT to last the rest of this lifetime and a couple more.

Although, if you're still feeling a little "tight", then you might just be a drunk.  It's a hard pass on that, too.

I guarantee that you'll see my more confident and informative letter only in case you answer to this one!Wait your thy reaction!

"Confident and informative"?  Is THAT a code phrase for information about how you don't like the sex with Russian men and you'll send me some nekkid pictures of yourself if I'll only reply...and give you my bank routing number?

Thou willst hath to waiteth the longest of times, I'm afraid. You can read my reaction here -- if you find it after getting a taste of your spam crap.

October 25, 2019

Horrifying Odds/Shocking Statistics

I was reading an article online with the local classic rock station on and the radio jock starting talking about odds of things happening.  I wasn't paying much attention, but he mentioned the odds of winning the lottery, then went on with other long odds of things happening to you.  It wasn't until the last bit of information he mentioned that my ears perked up.

I did not remember all the numbers, but I went to see the odds of playing the lottery. From Wonderopolis:

In a lottery in which you pick 6 numbers from a possible pool of 49 numbers, your chances of winning the jackpot (correctly choosing all 6 numbers drawn) are 1 in 13,983,816. That's 1 shot in almost 14 million.

If you were to buy one lottery ticket each week in such a scenario, you could expect to win once every 269,000 years.


That's pretty good odds compared to the Mega Millions jackpot. According to Wikipedia the odds of hitting a jackpot on that game are 302,575,350 to 1.

Of course, if you want a little better odds than that, then you can play Powerball, which according to Wiki has odds of "only" 1 in 292,201,338 of winning the big prize.

I don't remember all the categories - just the last couple - the radio jock brought up, but northjersey.com claims that you have a much better chance of being killed by a vending machine 112 million to one - than winning either the Powerball or Mega Millions.  They also say it's a much better bet that an asteroid will hit the Earth, 1-75,000.  Also, the article says the odds of finding a four-leaf clover are 1-10,000 and being hit by lightning 1 in 15,300.

I wonder what the odds are of being hit by lightning AND an asteroid while looking for a four-leaf clover?

Never mind.

Anyway, the radio jock went on with some odds I found distressing and unlike the other millions to one odds, I remembered these.  He said the odds of a man cheating on his wife were 1 in 5.  That upset me for some reason, even though I knew that was pretty accurate.  I'm just proud that when I was married, I was one of the four faithful guys.

The other stat that bothered me was in the same category, namely that 1 in 7.5 women cheated on their husbands.  I'm certain that my ex was one of those 6.5 faithful women.

Which brings me to something about that last stat;  just exactly how does one cheat with .5 of a person, half a woman? Would that be the top half?  Just guessing, but I'd say it would have to be the bottom half to really fall under the definition of cheating, but that's just my twisted mind.  Whats even more twisted is the thought of the woman being half a woman vertically...split right down the middle 

I guess that could be the case, more than the top/bottom scenarios.  After all, the odds of a woman having conjoined twins is 1-200,000....and if they had been separated, and a man cheated with one of the twins, that technically would be the point 5 of a woman, right?

I guess if a guy cheated with BOTH of the still-joined twins, that would skew the statistics, right?  Would you count that as one or TWO of that 7.5 figure?


What's really horrifying is me thinking about stuff like this.  Trust me, the odds of me doing THAT is pretty much a sure thing.

October 3, 2019

Wanna Be a Dad?

Stop drinking six months before conception.

Can alcohol affect sperm? Dads-to-be should stop drinking 6 months before conception, study finds

Alcohol consumption during pregnancy has long been linked to congenital defects and developmental problems in newborns. Now a new study has found a link between a baby's congenital heart defects and their prospective parents' drinking before conception

Compared to non-drinkers, fathers who drank during the three months before conception were 44% more likely to have babies born with congenital heart disease.

If the prospective dads were binge drinkers, which was defined as downing five or more drinks per session, there was a 52% higher likelihood their baby would have a congenital heart defect.

(read the rest of the article at above link)


Sobering news, no pun intended. Even though I'm no scientist, it makes sense.  Alcohol IS, after all, technically a poison.

OTOH, I suspect a LOT of "conception events" are directly due to alcohol consumption.



February 15, 2019

Pak-a-Burger Has the Best Hamburgers

Bar nun.



I took these photos and a few more a few years ago; It was a beautiful spring day and I was driving past when I noticed two nuns sitting in front waiting on their orders. I stopped, approached them and told them exactly what I wanted to do with the photos if they allowed me to take them. They both giggled and gave their consent.

They told me their names, but I can't remember them now after a couple of years. I'm pretty sure one was "Sister Mary" or maybe "Sister Teresa" but maybe I'm just hedgin' my bet with those guesses.

On a related note, the building was repainted, thank God. Seriously, thank God that it was repainted, thank God it changed hands. The burgers were horrible then after the change of ownership. The building is back to its original white and the food is back to being delicious again, especially the burgers.

About the only thing it had goin' for it, I guess, was that the customers were good.

September 2, 2018

Food Porn

Being an avid collector of online recipes (several thousand in PDF) as well as subscribing to dozens and dozens of recipe websites in my reader, I have seen the term "Food Porn" tossed around quite a bit.  It's always puzzled me to an extent;  I know the ones using the term mean something as self-indulgent and addictive as porn, but it never made much sense to me.  After all, I learned as a young man you simply cannot be hungry and horny at the same time.  You can be one or the other, but never, ever both...that's just a fact of life.

(that's also why the fetish of combining food and sex, i.e. fruit or whipped cream semi-disgusts me...it's just not my bag, man. Let me at the sexy woman...or the strawberry cheesecake, but one at a time!)

Then, after seeing this video about Salisbury Steak, it dawned on me why the term "Food Porn" is used on recipe presentations;  it's the music!


August 24, 2017

Passion Purpura

Passion purpura - the medical term for a hickey.


Ever played that "either/or" game when you were a kid?  "Would you rather be blind or crippled?" or things like that.   I remember this one:

"Which is worse?  Going to kiss your grandma and she slips you the tongue...or a hickey on a hemorrhoid?"

June 29, 2017

Sultans of Swing Cover

I've seen some unusual instruments used in covers, but never before have I seen a Gayageum, a traditional Korean zither-like string instrument. Check out more from Luna Lee on her YouTube channel for more covers.

You'd have to admit, she's got Seoul.

April 5, 2017

fanfaronade



fanfaronade noun [fan-fer-uh-neyd]

bragging; bravado; bluster


Ah, the 3 "Bs" of Texas...or of Texans, actually.

I never had heard of this word before and I doubt that most of my fellow Texans have, either.  It's not something we'd use in everyday speech, mainly because we'd somehow make those four syllables stretch into at least eight and take a minute - or longer- to say the entire word.

Besides, it sounds like it's some sort of rodeo event or a variation of the Two-Step...or maybe some sissy cocktail that only city folks would drink.

March 27, 2017

Thirsty for Videos

I wanted to watch a video hosted on Openload, but instead got this 404 message.


"Videos, videos everywhere, nor any link to click"

With all apologies.

February 17, 2017

Puss Pee Poster

Cat urine glows under a black light.

I wonder if they use it as ink for college dorm room posters?



January 7, 2017

Politics, Religion and Food

I just got through reading an article linked to on Facebook - I won't link to it in this post because that's not the gist of this rant - but it was how we (people) should have a more plant-based diet.  I wouldn't disagree with that, but articles like that always start off some vicious arguments and there were plenty under the piece.  I've found that often the comments are more entertaining than the article.

That's something I've noticed since I've been online for these last 17+ years;  of course, politics and religion have always sparked some contentious debate, a long time before there were forums and message boards, but I'd say the next most hotly discussed topic is food. (and movies, TV shows and music would be close behind)

In fact, one of the first times I was ever savaged online was in a chat room and someone mentioned they were making a pineapple upside-down cake.  I mentioned that I don't care for pineapple and I was attacked before they let me explain that I have an allergy to pineapple, that it makes my throat itch. (as do several other tropical fruits, such as kiwi fruit, papaya, and sometimes oranges)

The next time I saw a "food fight" break out was over whether to put chili in beans.  The recipe said "real Texans" would never dream of it.  Personally, I don't care for beans in my chili, but I'm also a "real Texan" and enough of one to not stick my nose into someone's business - if they want to put beans in their chili, then that's fine with me.  If they invited me to dinner and their chili had beans in it, I am also enough of a Texan to not criticize my host.  No, I'd eat it and probably would ask for seconds.

(funny - I don't really like beans in my chili, but I put a can of chili - Texas Wolf Brand - when I make beans)

I recently saw a dispute over goulash, of all things.  The recipe wasn't even titled "Hungarian" but the comments got heated over just what was "authentic".    Call it what you like, call me ignorant for calling it that, but just don't call me late for supper!

I can semi-understand arguing about politics and religion, esp. if someone insults your candidate/party or your faith, but to argue about food?  Ridiculous.  I wish I could draw - I'd make a graphic of God wearing an Obama t-shirt while eating a cheeseburger as He was kicking Barney Frank and Nancy Pelosi down to Hell along with the Muslims.

That way I could piss off the Republicans, the vegans, the gays, the Democrats, and the radical Islamists in one fell swoop.

I might even draw Him with a pistol stuck in His belt, just to piss off the gun-grabbers.

October 8, 2016

onychophagist

onychophagist Noun (plural onychophagists)

(rare) A person who bites his or her fingernails.

 Origin: From Ancient Greek ὀνυχο- (onuch), combining form of ὄνυξ (onux, “claw, nail”) + -φαγος (phagos, “eater”), from ἐφαγόν (ephagon, “I ate”).





I never met a plumber with that problem.

July 22, 2016

My Future

I saw one of those Magic 8-Ball toys the other day in a store; I hadn't seen one in a long time and thought they had been discontinued. On a lark, I picked it up and started asking it questions. "Will I ever find love again?" The answer: "Don't count on it" Well rats.   I kept asking questions and kept getting answers I didn't want to see.  Surely something good was going to happen to me!

Hopefully, I asked another question and got this:


What has the Microsoft e-mail program have to do with my winning the lottery?

May 23, 2016

What's Sexy About Your Name?

You Are Passionate Sexy

You are sexy because you are torrid. You are a fiery lover.

You have an extremely high sex drive. And you don't do much to control it.

You crave variety and excitement. If someone interests you, you'll pursue them... full force.


Your passion is all consuming. There's nothing that can quell your sexual energy.

Sexual freedom is very important to you. You don't like following rules.


You feel that anything between consenting adults should be fair game.

 



Sometimes these quizzes are spot-on and others...well, not so much. I'm not sure about this one.  I'd say some of it is true - and I'll leave you to speculate on just what that is - and some of it would be nothing more than wishful thinking if I said it about myself.

There's one thing, however, that I disagree with and that's the "There's nothing that can quell your sexual energy.".  Oh, I can think of several things, but a "a bucket of cold water" is my first thought. 

How about "You don't like following rules."? Well, there's some rules, the laws of physics...such as standing up in a hammock, y'know what I mean?

Plus, "You are a fiery lover."  What's that mean?  Smoking during AND after?

March 13, 2016

Not-So-Famous Last Words

Your Last Words Would Be Philosophical

"What we know is not much. What we don't know is enormous."


I think this one is probably pretty correct, although mine would probably be more along the lines of:

"Did you know Ben Franklin's last words were 'A dying man can do nothing easy.' ?"

March 5, 2016

rupestrine



rupestrine adjective [roo-pes-trin]

Biology. Living or growing on or among rocks.



I've never lived on or among rocks, but I HAVE been around a lot of stoners.

February 8, 2016

Good News & Bad News

The bad news?  No more football for six months. (not counting the draft...and that really doesn't count)

The good news?  My email inbox will quit getting deluged with Pizza Hut adverts.

The day after the Super Bowl has always been the saddest day of the year for me.  Now, as I grow older, I care less and less about all sports, but I still enjoy football...although one has to be a bit of a masochist to remain a Cowboys fan. -sigh-  I care nothing about basketball and even less (if possible) about hockey and the only reason I like seeing baseball in the news is that it means spring is here. 

I get one, sometimes two, Pizza Hut mailings every week.  I don't eat a lot of pizza, but I signed up so I can order online and take advantage of the deals offered only to members.  This week, though, I was getting two, sometimes three separate promotional emails every day.  Enough already!  I think being a pizza delivery person would be one of the worst jobs, particularly on Super Bowl Sunday. 

Well, except for working for Roto-Rooter on the day after Thanksgiving.

I'm also glad that my recipe newsletters will focus on something else besides party dips and especially chicken wing recipes.  I never made any of them, but I read so many I started sprouting pinfeathers.  Every time I've ever seen wings on the buffet, the "drumettes" were gone by the time I got to them.  I finally figured out the best way to eat the "arm" part of the wing;  pinch off the end with the bit of cartilage and pull the two tiny bones out and then you can eat the entire thing!

November 19, 2015

Largest Eggs in the World

The ostrich lays the largest eggs on land, but the whale shark lays the largest eggs in the world.*

An egg from a whale shark measuring 14 inches in diameter was found in the Gulf of Mexico in 1953.


*Not counting the huge eggs the Cowboys have laid in several games this season.

August 3, 2015

Banana Man

Humans and bananas share about 60% of the same DNA structure.

That might explain why strippers peel off their clothes and some guys are slippery characters.